Almost Death

Since my father died, I’ve never felt afraid of death or dying. I was young and it was the first death of someone close to me. The pain was not like anything I had felt before. There was loneliness, despair and the physical pain of having my arms and legs cut off.

Then Miggy died. This pain was different, it was like a million blades cutting my insides and the blood that flowed burned my flesh and went through my veins. It was darkness, with no hope of light. It was the hopelessness of not being able to see him again and the helplessness of not being able to do anything about it. I cried everyday for a year. I dreaded opening my eyes in the morning to another day where he wasn’t going to be around. I was broken and have been broken since.

So when the possibility of death came, I welcomed it. I wasn’t afraid. I was calmly picturing myself in several scenarios. One possibility is being diagnosed with the disease, living with it and slowly deteriorating. Maybe get a few more years where death just slowly comes nearer and nearer and I just wait. This is not unpleasant for me. The alternative is dying soon and hurrying up the rest of living. The only dreadful thing about this is the possibility of not having enough time to do what one needs to do to live.

I imagine death to be a beautiful individual coming for me. Like Death in The Sandman. She will come for me and I will not be afraid. In death, I pictured myself wandering in the world, unseen by everyone. I wondered if I could still feel. It was exciting to think of seeing Miggy again. Will he wander the world with me? Will we look in on the family? No matter when death came, seeing him would always be a BIG plus for me.

But then I was declared safe. And my dreams vanished. I was so disappointed at not leaving. It was like being teased with a vacation and being told it wasn’t going to push through. What’s so happy about not dying? I felt like I lost. I was so disappointed. I felt like an opportunity had been taken away from me. I felt cheated. It was a realization of how much I didn’t want to be here anymore.