They say when a door closes, a window opens. Well, what if a door closes multiple times and you run out of windows to open? What happens then?
Do you fight to get to the door before it shuts completely? Do you open a sunroof? What if all hinges are rusty and won’t budge? Do you let go?
I’ve accepted that I won’t get what I want. I’ve accepted that I’m in for several months of lonely. I’ve prepared for the pain. But like love finding its way to me after so many years, it has shown me a way back.
As I write this I cringe at the thoughts that ran through my mind. I had prayed for hope, I had imagined a dream, I got what I want but it was a reality that I had been avoiding.
Now I think of songs about loss, of lost chances and of endings.
Love managed to track me down and break me. Now I have a chance but it’s not skewed in my favor. One can argue it’s better than nothing but the impending doom of loss is something quite difficult to even glance at.
It’s like discharging gunfire while you’re fatally wounded. You know you’ll die but you fight it ’til you can anyway.
I won but it was a hollow victory, a temporary reprieve like an ax waiting to fall and cut my head off.
I thought it was lack of strength filled in with persistence. I thought kindness had weeded out impatience. I was happy, I thought I had conquered but it’s just a respite from execution, a stay.
Beggars can’t be choosers but is it worth being happy at all? Should I just cry it out and be grateful, or should I fight for what is mine, what was promised, what was written?
What does one do when love’s victory is not enough? I’m hoping for resilience, that I will look back at this and see it hasn’t been bad. I look forward to forgetting. I look towards smiling at the memory. But I’m dreading the last kiss, the last touch, the last look. Maybe close my eyes and pretend it won’t end.
That little voice inside you 