Christmas is Ruined

Miggy’s passing didn’t make me want to turn back to writing. It was this. This destruction of everything I believed in.

2019 started with the most devastating event in my life. Miggy, my son, my first born, died so suddenly. His death destroyed me and left me in constant soul wrenching pain. My grief is so great that life didn’t matter. But days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months, no matter how long you pause.

I lived what was left of my life. Until more than a year later on October 30th…when fate decided to give me another kick in the gut. I pause to light a cigarette, one of the bad habits I picked up in the last four years. Four years of lies and deceit.

I’ve always thought something was missing from your humanity because you didn’t get to experience having a child. Your impatience and impulsiveness came from not having to deal with the helplessness of a little human. You trivialize issues because you lack the compassion and understanding of the reason why things happen. You thinking that a child making a fuss can be so easily solved by picking them up and telling them to be quiet. So myopic.

Imagine my surprise to find out you do have a child, a biological one. Born in Mongolia with a woman you chose to leave. My entire body went cold and my world collapsed when I saw that you were still communicating with an ex. But that wasn’t the blow, it was that you had a child with her. It was that you chose to ignore the child. It was that you didn’t lack the humanity, it was you choosing not to act humanly. It was years of lying about wanting a child. It was years of blaming me for not having one because I wasn’t in the right tick box.

You said acknowledging that child and making her part of your life was going to make it too complicated. You said not telling me was a risk you needed to take because you’d lose me. You said my jealous rages would only be fueled by the knowledge. But you chose to live your life without her even before you met me. And in the four years…you chose to lie to me.

I had no problem believing you. Was I too naive? Or would the knowledge that while you demanded abject devotion and honesty you did not give it back, too hurtful?

In the end I knew Normin was not at fault, in the end I chalked it up to a life you had before me. In the end, I accepted it. Hook, line and sinker.

I’ve always told you that what happened in your life before I even knew you existed didn’t matter. It hurts a bit when you talk about how wonderful Marie is, but that was at a time when I didn’t know you. I couldn’t begrudge you that. But her presence in your life and the guilt you suffer from leaving her had always affected how you treated me. For four years and seven months, I was never introduced to your family. It’s because she is still there. She is and always will be Mrs. Marie Donnelly Hoffman.

You complained about my family a lot, saying how rude my mother and brother was to you. At least you got a reaction. I wasn’t even allowed near your family, not even by phone, by camera, by word association. It was an enormous red flag I chose to ignore. Until the third year when I just had to say something because again, you were mouthing off about my family. And what did I get? “Well if you wanted to be introduced to my family, you should have asked for it!” There was never an intention.

I would have spent a lifetime with you otherwise, even without marriage, even without meeting your family but within minutes of finding out about your child, I see this.

If I was hurt by the lies of Mongolia, I was destroyed by the betrayal of Thailand. Everything I knew about the past four years was shattered.

The lies.

You told me you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. You called me your wife, that I was the love of your life. You told me forever…

Love didn’t stand a chance.

But I stayed. I stayed even if the pain was killing me. I stayed because I love you.

I love you and I tried to understand. I tried to make it work but your words to her haunted me. I couldn’t shake off the betrayal. You said 4 weeks should be enough, it wasn’t. I couldn’t look at you the same way.

When I finally left on the 23rd, I thought I’ve said everything that needed to be said. But words still pour out of me. Christmas wasn’t ruined because I left, Christmas was ruined when you chose to start something with her even when you knew it could destroy us. And it did.