The Need to be Grateful

I started writing this in September, when I felt things were at their worst. I don’t think it’s gotten worse, in fact I think it’s gotten better because I know now where to go and I know now what to do.

When I wrote these words, I was feeling glum and yet optimistic. I should have stuck to that. Things would have been over by now.

I need to remember these days. This is one of the lowest points in my life and I must not forget. There will be a constant need to look back and be grateful. Grateful that I survived, grateful for the things I have left, and grateful that I was able to move on.

I have stubbornly pressed on doing something that I know is bad for me. Last night was the worst, it wasn’t even a show of strength, it was willful hard headedness. It was a dog maniacally holding on to a bone. I had a way out but didn’t take it, I was illogically persistent. And it must not happen again.

I need to get things off my chest and silence the unending chatter in my mind.I need to come to terms with the loss. I need to accept the thing that was once mine has been taken away.

I’m still not brave enough to face the loss, but I’m getting there. I think I need to be grateful again.