Not today D, not ever

So I’ve wasted a few months of paid online real estate on a blog I hardly update. To be fair,  the intention has always been there, several times a week even…except when the dark days hit me.

When I came back from the whirlwind that was Peru, I was punch drunk with fatigue. The thirty hour flight told me to expect jetlag of the highest order. What I didn’t expect was being curled up in fetal position for days not having any desire to move, live nor even breathe. I was dead.

Not knowing what it was, I chalked it up to lack of sleep and laziness. I wasn’t feeling anything, I was dead.

I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t hurting, I wasn’t emotional…I was just dead.

When I finally mustered up the energy to get off bed, I found an email telling me about a “phenomena”. I was told to expect depression and a state of mourning after Peru. Now, WHAT THE FUCK???

Depression was someone I’ve never met. I’ve heard about him, read about him, even saw him once in a while with friends. I knew him from afar, we were never formally introduced and well, me being who I am, I never really thought we’d run in the same circles.

Not really being a very sociable person to begin with, I had no intention of being friends with D.

While the email explained a lot, it didn’t really help much. Still being dead at this point, I wasn’t panicking, I wasn’t confused, I wasn’t sad. I could still eat, put on make up, binge watch. But I wasn’t sleeping and I wasn’t working. Not wanting to explain myself to anyone, I lurked at multichats and didn’t talk to any of my friends, I didn’t tell the goofball I was dating that he was with a walking corpse, I didn’t tell A.

I withdrew and stopped functioning. And it cost me my job.

Then the tears came, and the panic, and the hysteria. I told my friends I lost my job. I wanted to break up with my boyfriend. I wasn’t angry but the warrior in me wanted validation. I needed a homerun.

Now the tears still come at random times of the day, I still prefer to be alone (always have). I have sought help. I get little bursts of energy and use it as wisely as I can. I received support from my manager, can think a bit more clearly now. Goodwill from friends have upped my spirits. Support from the goofball has been consistent.

So not today D, we won’t be friends. I do not accept you in my life. I will get better, in every way possible.

And, I am writing again.